This dreamer keeps his ramparts high
And people often question why?
It's a simple answer I've come to see
People lack respect and honesty
For when you earn the title friend
You earn my love until the end
But friendship's hard and most aren't lenient
Your feelings are worthless unless it's convienient
I'd like to think that people care
And I long to hope that life is fair
Time may prove these thoughts askew
My faith in people rests with you
But each passing day we grow apart
It mangles my soul and twists my heart
Hopefully time will prove my thoughts mendacious
Until that time let your love be contagious
Above all else, cherish family and friend
For they'll be with you until the very end
2/28/2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
A Dreamer's Street
I trudge along this distant street
I often wonder who I'll meet
But my beating heart has always known
That this street is mine and mine alone
I seek to find one whom might care
I long for one with whom I'll share
My street, my love, my life you see
Alas It's just this street and me
There is but just one thing to do
I'll take this street in search of you
For when we'll meet I cannot know
My street and only time can show
Until that time I shall wander on
I'll walk my street from dusk till dawn
February 24, 2010
I often wonder who I'll meet
But my beating heart has always known
That this street is mine and mine alone
I seek to find one whom might care
I long for one with whom I'll share
My street, my love, my life you see
Alas It's just this street and me
There is but just one thing to do
I'll take this street in search of you
For when we'll meet I cannot know
My street and only time can show
Until that time I shall wander on
I'll walk my street from dusk till dawn
February 24, 2010
Monday, February 22, 2010
The Dreamer's Solem Promise
This is not a poem i apoligize for going off course here but I feel this is something i need to write down because it has been on my mind for many years.
I assure you behind this mass of information there is a good lesson I hope it touches someone else as it does me on a daily basis.
I was born with cervico thoracic scoliosis which was undetected until I was around the age of 4 or 5. What this means is that my spinal cord has a curve in the portion located in my neck and chest. In order to moniter and possibly treat this i was to attend Shriner's Childrens Hospital in Lexinton Kentucky every 6 months. Shriners is a place where children with any disease you can think of can attend and get treatment for little or in most cases no cost. The impact of being at a place like this is monumental even at a young age. I remember not understanding why all the kids in the waiting area didn't want to play the video games and shoot on the basketball court (yes this place is really that cool). But what I realized more with each visit was that many of the kids wanted to do everything i was doing but couldn't because they were in wheel chairs, paralyzed, or so sick they could barely speak let alone move. This really hit me hard even at a young age. It was hard for me to understand why I was able to play and enjoy my time and leave with good news, yet there were families that would be crying after visits and children that couldn't even walk. As my visits continued doctors notified me that the degree of the curve in my spine was getting worse as I grew and at a certain point they would have to do surgery because it would shut off my abilty to swallow and breathe. The ability to swallow was set at 50 degrees, and by the age of 15 I was told that my spine had a 45 degree curve. My mother and father were beside themselves and at the age of 15 honestly I didn't know what to think. I had never had to face any real obstacle in my life or was ever in any real danger. So all of this buckles down to two stories both occuring the day before my surgery.
Story 1
I was shooting hoops when a boy with one arm in a wheel chair wheeled up and sat and watched me as I worked on my drills (thinking i would actually get to play in highschool). I noticed he looked sad so I asked him if he wanted to play, he was scared and told me he wasn't very good, and i said neither am i thats why i'm practicing. I'll never forget the joy on Mark's (the boy) face as we shot and laughed for nearly an hour. I forget what Mark's illness was but i know he had been in the hospital for over a month getting countless surgerys and he as well had one the next day. We played until the nurse had to come and force him away, I said goodbye and i'll never forget what he said to me "Can we play some more after we are both better?" at the time this was an easy answer, ya I PROMISE we can I can't wait. The mere thought of that moment brings me to tears to this day, I never saw Mark again.
Story 2
My brother stayed with me that night and we watched several movies and at 3 o clock in the morning my brother said alright buddy you ready for bed? I realized then that i was shaking and crying, It just now hit me that I faced paralysis and even death. The thought of them breaking my spine then refusing it with a metal pipe just hit me, the fact that i wouldn't be able to attend school for a year or walk up steps or carry 5lbs or more for 6months all flooded at once. My brother and I stayed up and talked all night. In the morning they doctors glued elctrodes to my head gave me my drugs and were about to put my cathider in when a nurse burst into the room and said we needed to take another x-ray. My father and brother carried me to the xray room as i was feeling pretty good at the time and they took the x-ray to the doctors to evaluate it. After all the doctors discussed it they came back and told my parents that there was an error in the reading the first time and that my surgery was canceled they would continue to moniter me. The doctor asked what i thought about that and I guess my response was go ahead and cut me I don't care or something along those lines.(i was on some heavy stuff) But two nurses said that this was truly a miracle, "they had been working there for over 20 years and they had seen 2 major surgerys canceled".
So what is all this getting at, well I was so happy at first and my family was so thankful that I had forgot all about my friend Mark. On the ride home it hit me I promised Mark that I would be there to play with him, even that he would be there to be able to play. I don't know if Mark lived through his dangerous surgery and his multiple illnesses, and even if he did I wouldn't be there to be his friend and to keep my promise. This was devastating to me and got worse with time. With great blessing and joy comes great responsibilty. Every time I shoot a basketball, or lift weights, or go for a run i'm scoring for Mark, I'm running for the children who are in wheel chairs, i'm lifting for all the children who didn't get their miracle in Shriner's hospital. I used to wonder why me what makes me more important than any of them? Why didn't Mark recieve a miracle? I often still do ask that question, but it doesn't matter because i'm going to make the most of this gift by spreading happiness to everyone I can and by being the best person I can be. Mark if your out there I'm sorry I wasn't there to keep that promise, but a promise I can keep is that this gift i've been given will not go to waste.
I assure you behind this mass of information there is a good lesson I hope it touches someone else as it does me on a daily basis.
I was born with cervico thoracic scoliosis which was undetected until I was around the age of 4 or 5. What this means is that my spinal cord has a curve in the portion located in my neck and chest. In order to moniter and possibly treat this i was to attend Shriner's Childrens Hospital in Lexinton Kentucky every 6 months. Shriners is a place where children with any disease you can think of can attend and get treatment for little or in most cases no cost. The impact of being at a place like this is monumental even at a young age. I remember not understanding why all the kids in the waiting area didn't want to play the video games and shoot on the basketball court (yes this place is really that cool). But what I realized more with each visit was that many of the kids wanted to do everything i was doing but couldn't because they were in wheel chairs, paralyzed, or so sick they could barely speak let alone move. This really hit me hard even at a young age. It was hard for me to understand why I was able to play and enjoy my time and leave with good news, yet there were families that would be crying after visits and children that couldn't even walk. As my visits continued doctors notified me that the degree of the curve in my spine was getting worse as I grew and at a certain point they would have to do surgery because it would shut off my abilty to swallow and breathe. The ability to swallow was set at 50 degrees, and by the age of 15 I was told that my spine had a 45 degree curve. My mother and father were beside themselves and at the age of 15 honestly I didn't know what to think. I had never had to face any real obstacle in my life or was ever in any real danger. So all of this buckles down to two stories both occuring the day before my surgery.
Story 1
I was shooting hoops when a boy with one arm in a wheel chair wheeled up and sat and watched me as I worked on my drills (thinking i would actually get to play in highschool). I noticed he looked sad so I asked him if he wanted to play, he was scared and told me he wasn't very good, and i said neither am i thats why i'm practicing. I'll never forget the joy on Mark's (the boy) face as we shot and laughed for nearly an hour. I forget what Mark's illness was but i know he had been in the hospital for over a month getting countless surgerys and he as well had one the next day. We played until the nurse had to come and force him away, I said goodbye and i'll never forget what he said to me "Can we play some more after we are both better?" at the time this was an easy answer, ya I PROMISE we can I can't wait. The mere thought of that moment brings me to tears to this day, I never saw Mark again.
Story 2
My brother stayed with me that night and we watched several movies and at 3 o clock in the morning my brother said alright buddy you ready for bed? I realized then that i was shaking and crying, It just now hit me that I faced paralysis and even death. The thought of them breaking my spine then refusing it with a metal pipe just hit me, the fact that i wouldn't be able to attend school for a year or walk up steps or carry 5lbs or more for 6months all flooded at once. My brother and I stayed up and talked all night. In the morning they doctors glued elctrodes to my head gave me my drugs and were about to put my cathider in when a nurse burst into the room and said we needed to take another x-ray. My father and brother carried me to the xray room as i was feeling pretty good at the time and they took the x-ray to the doctors to evaluate it. After all the doctors discussed it they came back and told my parents that there was an error in the reading the first time and that my surgery was canceled they would continue to moniter me. The doctor asked what i thought about that and I guess my response was go ahead and cut me I don't care or something along those lines.(i was on some heavy stuff) But two nurses said that this was truly a miracle, "they had been working there for over 20 years and they had seen 2 major surgerys canceled".
So what is all this getting at, well I was so happy at first and my family was so thankful that I had forgot all about my friend Mark. On the ride home it hit me I promised Mark that I would be there to play with him, even that he would be there to be able to play. I don't know if Mark lived through his dangerous surgery and his multiple illnesses, and even if he did I wouldn't be there to be his friend and to keep my promise. This was devastating to me and got worse with time. With great blessing and joy comes great responsibilty. Every time I shoot a basketball, or lift weights, or go for a run i'm scoring for Mark, I'm running for the children who are in wheel chairs, i'm lifting for all the children who didn't get their miracle in Shriner's hospital. I used to wonder why me what makes me more important than any of them? Why didn't Mark recieve a miracle? I often still do ask that question, but it doesn't matter because i'm going to make the most of this gift by spreading happiness to everyone I can and by being the best person I can be. Mark if your out there I'm sorry I wasn't there to keep that promise, but a promise I can keep is that this gift i've been given will not go to waste.
A Dreamer's Faith
A dreamer believes the world is sainted
a school of thought most antiquated
For when i gaze upon the earth
the hallowed ground our lord did birth
I see with great sorrow the weakness of man
As we constantly doubt our god and his plan
Our lives are filled, with such noise and clatter
We cherish our trinkets which truly don't matter
We disregard our faith in the lord our savior
until we are destitute and require a favor
This dreamer's not perfect nor can anyone be
We all have our struggles, especially me
I question myself why the innocent must suffer
but to question is easy, and faith is much tougher
February 22, 2010
a school of thought most antiquated
For when i gaze upon the earth
the hallowed ground our lord did birth
I see with great sorrow the weakness of man
As we constantly doubt our god and his plan
Our lives are filled, with such noise and clatter
We cherish our trinkets which truly don't matter
We disregard our faith in the lord our savior
until we are destitute and require a favor
This dreamer's not perfect nor can anyone be
We all have our struggles, especially me
I question myself why the innocent must suffer
but to question is easy, and faith is much tougher
February 22, 2010
Distinction Of Men
A man is not a man, unless he knows the way
The life that lay before the man, is hardship every day
A man avoids to do whats right, because he fears to fall
But if a man will do no good, he is no man at all.
2/22/2010
The life that lay before the man, is hardship every day
A man avoids to do whats right, because he fears to fall
But if a man will do no good, he is no man at all.
2/22/2010
Trials Of The Heart (2)
I ask what makes this day so great,
this day which lovers celebrate.
For the meaning this day holds for me,
is something else entirely.
It's another day i must get through,
because each day i long for you.
My words and actions lack the grace,
but a life without you i can not face.
My only hope as time will show,
the love in which you fear to know.
(Written Valentines Day 2010 for her)
this day which lovers celebrate.
For the meaning this day holds for me,
is something else entirely.
It's another day i must get through,
because each day i long for you.
My words and actions lack the grace,
but a life without you i can not face.
My only hope as time will show,
the love in which you fear to know.
(Written Valentines Day 2010 for her)
Trials Of The Heart
Everytime i see your eyes
even tho i say i'm fine.
Truth be told i try to lie
but i won't be whole until your mine.
Your hair, laugh, smile, and smell
the lack of these just bring me hell.
I want for you only the best
and with god's help i'll pass this test.
Cause each day I struggle I grow strong
I promise you i'll do no wrong,
because your such a special friend
I'm here for you until the end.
Written January 2010 for her
even tho i say i'm fine.
Truth be told i try to lie
but i won't be whole until your mine.
Your hair, laugh, smile, and smell
the lack of these just bring me hell.
I want for you only the best
and with god's help i'll pass this test.
Cause each day I struggle I grow strong
I promise you i'll do no wrong,
because your such a special friend
I'm here for you until the end.
Written January 2010 for her
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